WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
