i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
