I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.