I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
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Hippo gnu deer
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
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We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.