I wish I could teleport
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers