When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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