how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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