I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
His hands were made for my vagina.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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