I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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