Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
