There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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