yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
