i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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