I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this beer tastes like vomit already
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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