Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.