Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
