why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
