Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
