Apparently you make a good broom.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"