I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?