wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
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So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.