hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real