i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are the jesus of drinking
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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