She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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