i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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