Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
