so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
