that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
