I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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