i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....