Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.