I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?