did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
