Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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