I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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