coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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