The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
