you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.