You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.