grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated