You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?