I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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