he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.