you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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