dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.