alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
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Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.