You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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