im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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