Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
