Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
