Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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