you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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