i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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