So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
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Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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