I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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