Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.