I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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