I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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