I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.