i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
